My husband and I lost our 7year old son and now our marraige is falling apart?
Our son had a very rare disease and we were told that he would not see his first birthday… he was 7 and the love of our lives along with our (now)4 year old son. This was about 8 months ago and we are handling things completely different. I go to church, work many hours and spend time playing soccer, tennis, etc. with our other son. My husband comes home from work, watches TV and drinks beer. I am not saying that I am perfect, I have slacked off terribly with housework- wich annoys my husband because I use to be so OCD, but I don’t see that as one of the most important things in my life anymore… (our house is always clean, just not PERFECT) I have tried to get him to go to therapy, but he will not… he is just very unhappy and angry all the time with me. I understand that he is suffering, as am I, but I don’t know how to “reconnect”… any suggestions? (serious only PLEASE)
I think that you are doing the right thing from your end. You are staying active and keeping a church life and working. He is probably deeply in mourning and does not know how to handle it. Men have such a hard time with their feelings sometimes.
I would continue to be the best wife that you can be to him. He will eventually reach out to you.
God Bless,
ML
i am so sorry for your loss and amazed at how well you seem to be doing with your other son during this time – my suggestion would be to sit down and talk to your husband, make him listen. explain that you and your other son are both hurt just as deeply, that you don’t need to lose anyone else and it feels like you’re losing him…..let him know he needs to be there for his other son
You both should seek professional help. He is grieving differently from you.
now each of you are dealing with a great deal of pain and your dealing with it seperatly instead of together. Please seek help for you both and My Prayers are with you……………………….
Sounds like he is taking to anger and frustration out on you from the lost of your son which is terrible since now you have to face no only the loss of your son which I’m terribly sorry about you also have to face your husband fading into the back ground and having problems with him
make sure you spend lots of time with your 4 year old he needs the time spent with him because he too is going through something he knows his brother is missing from his everyday life. No we cant always keep the house perfect clean is good enough but if all he does is come home turn on the TV and drink how is that any better he needs to find a different way to spend his time he is trying to get over the loss of his son with beer that’s only going to lead to another problem called alcoholism you need to talk to a minister/pastor and see if they can come by your house invite him to church counsel him man to man.
I can only explain that this is not anger to you! its the reality that your son is not with you both, He see him in you and its gripping his heart in pieces. You both need spiritual support and I can only ad that you especially need a close family/friend church support! My heart goes out to you! I lost a few of my siblings and I felt somewhat like your husband!
You really need to tell him that this is not the way you want your relationship to be. Ask him what he expects from you and you can let him know how you feel as well. Tell him you can’t live a life so distant from him; that you need support from each other and you are more than willing to give your share of it. Your son’s loss is affecting everybody who knew him and loved him, and your son would be happy to see that his family loves each other, is supporting each other and that way his soul can rest in peace.
I am so sorry about your loss!
A good support network is so important right now. How wonderful that you have a church you can go to. Just keep praying for God to heal your hearts. Give the hurt to the Lord and let him take care of it. Perhaps your pastor could come to your home and speak with you both.
You need to try to reach your husband. Sit down and talk to him. don`t work so many hours, spend time with your husband. He is hurting greatly and he doesn`t know how to release his anger so that is why he drinks and hollers at you. Try planning a vacation or just a trip for a weekend with something he like to do. Share your bereavement together. GOOD LUCK AND MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALL.
Everyone grieves in different ways, I have heard this happening when a child dies. Just try to be there when he needs you to hold him and not push the issue about therapy just yet, 8 months still is fresh. It takes time and believe me you go through all kind of grieving processes. Some I have went through 2 or more times, haven’t lost a child but I did a husband, and not the same, but I do know a grief. Grief will take a toll on us mentally. Men are different then us women, so they don’t show the emotion we do, anger may be the emotion he is showing instead of talking about it. I am so sorry for your loss. Just try to hang on to the hope that he will come and talk with you about it. He’s not angry at you, he is angry because he lost his son, I was angry at the world. You go through all the things in your head of what if’s and even knowing your son was going to die, he may be doing this. Best Of Luck
Oh God, I wish I were half as strong as you and your husband. Nothing I have experienced can help with this question. All I can say is please hold it all together for your other sons sake. Chin up guys
My blessings go out to you at this most difficult time. Everyone heals in their own way in their own time.
The best I can offer if your husband won’t go to therapy is for you to use guided imagery.
Everyday sit quietly & see you, your husband & son as a family. Keep that persistent in your mind. Believe that you will remain together & resolve this anguish. Stay the course & hopefully it will slowly come together as you heal.
My prayers to you
First I am sorry for your loss I cannot imagine your pain but you both have another child to nurture and care for if your husband won’t go go alone. There are grief groups in churches, and family services, you are both hurting and your 4 year old is probably as well so try and talk gently to your husband and some hugging and hoilding won’t hurt either. I wish I could say something more to help you children are a gift and to lose one is not easy. I lost my sister when she was 19 and they say time heals all wounds but there isn’t a day that I do not think of her. Keep your child in your hearts but you must move forward because life does go on. I will hope that life gets a ltlle easier but you must do it together a house divided against itself will not stand Good luck to both of you take care and God Speed!
Try going to therapy alone. I’m sorry for your loss. From what I understand (I never had to endure such a loss, but an associate of mine had lost a young child to cancer), divorce very frequently follows the loss of a child. It’s not something you or your husband are doing wrong – it is a normal and common reaction to grief. Please see a counselor – even if this means going alone – and/or find a support group that will help you deal with the issues. An associate I mentioned had started a charity fund in his deceased son’s name, and now he is raising a lot of money to help parents whos kids have the same disease; him and his wife are still married (10 years after the death of their son), and have two young kids. I think, getting in touch with other parents who are going through the same might help both you and your husband. Best wishes.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I think that being active and enjoying time with your four-year-old son is a good way to head toward healing, but as a couple, you and your husband also need to heal together. Instead of trying to get him into therapy, maybe you could just try to get him to join you in an activity. I would also just try to reach out and touch him a bit…a hand squeeze, a hug. Also instead of keeping so busy with work and the other activities, you could just sit with your husband. If he is plopped in front of the television, maybe you could just grab a glass of wine and sit next to him. Just sharing some space and proximity may help you two slowly start reconnecting through this painful time.
Again…I am so very sorry for your family’s loss.
Mabey from the start -in his mind; he never saw you mourn ‘enough’. He feels his son deserves that-he needs soothing, he needs comforting, and he needs consoling. I lost a still born [in the 7'th month] yrs. ago. I cried for a full year. My husband let me cry and never interferred or expected me to mourn differently. You should be devoting yourself to him and just being close, just quiet together. Mourning must go through various steps-you can’t take any shortcuts.This is a time in your family for comforting, be a homebody, which gives your family comfort. You do not have to be strong for the public, or for people you know. He needs things to be the same as much as possible right now–The clean house represents a happier time. His mind needs to cling to a happier time right now, and most of all–seek spiritual counseling. he will never just ‘snap’ out of it. When he is watching t.v. tell him you are there for him, that he is not alone. Don’t worry about the beer, this is no time to be judgemental, the beer is a symtom not the trouble. My advice is seldom pretty but it is good, cut down on the work hours. Be home for now.
ahh…I am so sorry for your loss and then the subsequent problems with your marriage……we all deal with things like this differently don’t we……you have to tell him that you love him and want your marriage back and not to be broken; you are both hurting as well as your youngest son….it’s time to hold fast together….he has to talk with someone and you are going to have to be strong and tricky to get him to do it….softly talk with him, while you are holding him in bed…..just hold him tightly…….he feels badly not just for the loss, but because being the dad and the man of the house he couldn’t do anything to stop it…..tell him it’s okay, it’s not his fault……
let him know he needs to be there for his other son.
First let me say how terribly sorry i am about your boy.I don’t know if I could be as strong as you are.You are doing the best you can and I know it can be very difficult but just keep doing what your doing and hope and pray that soon you both can share in the grief and moving on.I lost a family member 4 years ago and it devastated me…my daughter who loves me but couldn’t discuss with me yet because of her grief gave me a book that helped me so much.It’s called”Talking To Heaven” by James van Praagh. If he likes to read try to get it for him.I know your between a rock and a hard place right now and I truly hope you see light at the end of the tunnel soon.Your hanging in there I know but you still need help yourself.Hopefully your husband will wake up and see that there is another boy in this life who needs him and a wife that needs a shoulder.Good lock dear girl and i hope things get better soon….god bless
As one that also lost a child, I will tell you that it will be a very difficult thing to do if you hold your marriage together. My ex blamed herself for the death of our child. She was diabetic, and didn’t eat right, and she thought it was her fault our baby died. It wasn’t, but I never did convince her otherwise. She withdrew from me, even to the point of saying I didn’t speak to her the day of his funeral. If I didn’t, which I don’t remember if I did or not honestly, it was certainly not intentional. I said all that, to say this, your husband might be blaming himself for the disease that took your son…..or he might blame you. There is NO one to blame. It’s not anybody’s fault, okay? Sit down and talk to your husband……love him….grieve with him, and “reconnect”! It can be done if the two of you look to each other for strength. Good Luck! I am so sorry for your loss.
First, let me say how sorry I am. Losing a child has to be one of the most terrible things ever.
The grief the two of you are experiencing has overwhelmed you and separated you. I recently was a sponsor for a teleconference offered in our community on grief–it covered losing a child in addition to many other circumstances. The belief is that most people divorce when this happens, but the statistics just aren’t there. What you have to do, especially since he won’t go to counseling, is get him alone and talk to him. Open the lines of communication on the death of your son first. Once you have done that, talk about what you miss about him. Then focus on ways to remember him positively, for the whole family.
The fact is, both of you are hurting so much, you don’t know what to say to each other. So start there, even if he says he doesn’t want to, you have to push it. (gently) Once you have established some communication, and it might take a while…you can then turn to some support in the community for grief. If he is adament about not going to counseling, don’t push him. Suggest other ways….grief seminars, where you DON’T have to interact and feel like you are under a microscope.
If you would like…I have a copy of the book we gave out at the seminar, and I will send it to you. I thought it was going to be the typical seminar, but it was extremely enlightening as to the things they suggested in handling your grief and living with it. Just e-mail me and I will be glad to send it to you.
maybe you guys should spend sometime apart or go on a nice vacation. I’m very sorry for your lost. Turn to god and a pray for your family and your husband especially.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. It’s hard to know how anyone will react to a loss so dear. Understand that he’s not angry with you. He’s not sure who to be angry with, because “someone” took his son. You, unfortunately, are the one to bear all of this. Do what you can. You can’t make him go to therapy and I’m sure the reason he won’t is because he doesn’t want to relive that day. Do your best to supportive and keep reminding him that it’s important to find a positive way to deal with the loss within your family. Keep up the good work. The dirt will remain, so live every day as if it’s your last.
I am sorry for your loss and cant imagine waht the 2 of you are going through. I am sure this has taken a toll on your marriage you found things to keep you occupied and not like in a dark place where as it sounds your husband is. He is coping in a different way give him his time to deal with this in time he will carry on with you. just be strong you have another one who needs you and your son would want you to do what your doing and not be saddened by his absence. I know I am not much help I havent ever gone through this it would break me if it were me but you will find a way to reconnect with each other.
First of all, I’m sorry you have to go through this “life lesson”…and that’s all they are, life lessons…and some of them really stink. I know what you’re going through, I will say that. It’s very painful, and as you said, we all deal with it in different ways. Your husband is grieving. The same as you, but he doesn’t realize that this pattern is going to “kill” his marriage too. If you’ve suggested therapy, and he won’t go, your hands are tied, Hon. There’s nothing more you can do, but say a prayer for him. He might snap out of it in time, but if not, then you have the obligation of ensuring the well-being of your son that is still living, AND yourself. Many marriages do not make it in situations such as these. I’d try to have a heart to heart talk with him, and tell him that you fear this is going to end your marriage together, and how much you really do love him. But once again, to listen or not is up to him. You have to take care of yourself too, and if he’s not willing to try to get through this with you by his side….there’s not a darn thing you can do. I’d just give him some time. (However much time you can tolerate) Maybe he’ll snap out of it. If not, then know you tried your best, and that sometimes life hands us challenges that turn out for our best in the end, and some how some day, you’ll walk in the sunshine again, and you’ll all be ok.